Love and Sex in lockdown

Niwandinda Daniel
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Everyone is yearning for love and sex. The internet is abuzz with people flooding dating sites looking for suitable matches, flirtation or simply window shopping. Online sex, dirty talk and sexting is rife. Jokes abound as to how now removing a mask for a kiss is going to elicit as much excitement and take as much effort as once removing a bra for sex did. Going by the flood of messages I receive on various issues, it’s very interesting to note how many people are now refocusing on getting their love and sex lives back in shape. Some are determined to leave loveless, sexless marriages, some are repentant over an ex they drove away, some are simply desperate to have a good sex life back in place, while some deeply yearn for love and companionship, and have now made that a priority in their lives.

Whatever your emotional state, what’s important is that you are aware of what is much needed and what you’re now ready for. The entire lockdown has been a huge learning curve in human relationships for everyone. It’s given people an assessment of their personal misery and happiness levels, and made them incredibly aware of how much love, sex and great companionship matter. Love, sex and happiness are inextricably linked. The oxytocin and endorphins released during physical and emotional intimacy are incredibly powerful happy hormones that keep you cheery, joyful and contented.

Given how people’s energy levels, happiness levels and income levels are steadily dropping through the lockdown, it’s no surprise that people are now reaching out on various mediums to others for love and sex. It’s important to recognise that a drowning man grasps at straws and that much like a ravenously hungry person will not be discerning about quality of choices, but more the need to feed the hunger.

Pay close attention to this, because this will cause much more anger and pain at a later stage. Bad choices lead to unpleasant consequences and you need to take your life from strength to strength, not into a spiralling abyss of wrong options. The best way to keep a grasp on things is to look at yourself in the mirror every single day, look deep into your eyes and be truthful with yourself as to whether it’s a compromise, a time filler or the real deal. Utter honesty is your best friend and guiding light in these suffocating times when all your heart and body yearn for, is what’s not in your bedroom every night.

1. When the lockdown started, I was happy that I would get to spend time with my husband. We both have been busy with our respective careers and have no children. At first things were alright, but over the weeks, he has become aloof and spends most of his time on his laptop or phone. He often steps out on the balcony to receive calls and guards his phone unlike before. I don’t know if he is cheating on me or simply tired of being stuck indoors. What should I do?

Express to him what you feel, not in a confrontational way, but more to understand where things are at, what he wants for the relationship and also to address your concerns. Tell him you know the lock down is hard on everyone and you would like to be his support system and also add that you don’t want to feel locked out and rejected. Help him express himself and together figure ways to make each other happier.

2. Why are men not as expressive as women? You write 4 lines, and yet you get a brief reply on what’s app. It’s a bit annoying.

And men find it equally annoying that so many women are over expressive and expect them to be like them. Do you want them to change you? If not, do you think it’s fair to change them? Love people for who they are. Not every emotion is expressed verbally or textually. A great relationship is built on appreciation for what they bring to your life and noticing what they do, rather than what they don’t do your way.

3. My wife is stuck in Dubai and in times of the lockdown I have started to think about my ex who stays in the next building. I constantly think about her and surprisingly we also started doing video calls. Is it only because of the self-isolation mode that this is happening? Once life is back on track will my love life be back to normal too?

Lockdown or no lockdown, what matters is your commitment to your wife, and video calling an ex (who you are clearly harbouring feelings for) is not pardonable. Every marriage goes through testing times, it’s how you respond to bad times, tempting times, emotional times that determine not just the future of the marriage but your character as well.

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